A Sky Full of Stars
They say when you find a solid connection, you go into a state of wellbeing and the need to hang-on to it kicks in (Attachment Theory). I bumped into my neighbour, Ade, sometime in January, he’s a cheerful family man so it was merely a little surprise to see that he had gotten the most gorgeous set of puppies — Sky and Cloud — male and female siblings with boundless energy and the most relentless desire to befriend anyone who came into their peripheral vision. You see, Ade was so pleased when he realised how much I loved dogs and how easily I doted on them. Ade had met someone to serve as a sitter when the family needed to be away. I had met someone who I could so easily go to when I needed a dopamine/serotonin/oxytocin flush, what better match could there be? My work/lifestyle wouldn’t let me have one at this time because I’m out of the house several days in a week and a dog should not be left to develop separation anxiety.
One day in June, Ade called me, he mentioned that his son, Feranmi, was getting allergies often so the doctor advised to keep Feranmi distant from the dogs for a while and then monitor his health. Ade did not have a doghouse outside of his apartment so that is where I come in, as the dog sitter. I was out of the office for most of June, squandering my leave days catching up on shows and movies, taking on the herculean task of thinning out my ever-growing IMDb watchlist. I was more than happy to play dog dad for however long I could. During this time, I learned that there is so much more to caring for a pet than I imagined. These tiny bundles of joy rely on you for sustenance at all times, it’s no small feat, especially when there are two of them running around the apartment and peeing everywhere. I learned about patience; it takes patience to watch Sky poop on the couch during the potty-training stages. It takes patience to see the mess Cloud and Sky make with my belongings when they are left alone for two seconds. I had to move my plant because Cloud would not stop digging into the soil looking for gold. Sky and Cloud would always want to sit in the kitchen whenever I cooked, hoping that the smallest food particle would drop so that they can play first to catch it. The picture-perfect dogs, I had thought about so many ways to integrate them into my cooking videos, if only I could get Cloud to sit still for a minute without instigating Sky into a brawling contest.
Ade finally constructed that doghouse, big enough to shelter Sky and Cloud. Cue in my next plot, the dog walker. Dogs need to be walked; Did you know that? Of course you do. So did Ade, and again that is where I come in. I love walks so much I do it for the fun of it. This is when I listen to my favourite podcasts and ruminate on my own existence, it is awesome. I gingerly offered up my services, free of charge, of course. That day I took Sky and Cloud for a short walk around the neighbourhood. It wasn’t the easiest of walks, Sky would bump into Cloud, Cloud bumps into me and I struggle to maintain my footing as they incessantly walk in anyway but a straight line.
Several days later, I devised a plan — a dog a day. I started with Sky; Cloud was not happy to be left alone and sure enough she barked to show her thoughts on the matter. I could still hear her barking even after exiting the building with a happy Sky beside me. This was going to be a much longer walk and I was running late to the gym. I carried Sky and boarded a bus with mixed feelings from the other passengers, I didn’t care much about that and neither did sky who was twisting and turning to get more comfortable in my lap. We alighted at the bus stop and walked the rest of the way to the gym. I had to keep Sky tied at the outdoor section of the gym and I recruited a security guy to keep an eye on him. When I got out of the gym, Sky spotted me, and his tails went bonkers like he was trying his hardest to transform into a helicopter and fly us out of this country for good. The walk back was so much better than the many days I had walked that trail. This time I had company; This time I was not alone.
The next day, it was Cloud’s turn and sure enough, Sky tried to bark the building down. I took Cloud for a trip to the barber shop for a haircut. She loved being outdoors so much that when we went into the barber shop, she would not keep quiet. All through my haircut Cloud let everyone know that she was there, barking and scratching the tiles still on that search for gold. The walk back was even better, Cloud would walk and look at me every so often with a glitter of satisfaction in her eye. This was a much longer walk though, we hit a record number of steps — 16,000. By the time we got close to home, she seemed a little exhausted. She stopped walking and I carried her the rest of the way.
I alternated between the two dogs for several days and then one day, I noticed that Sky was being kept in the small cage while Cloud had the doghouse to herself. Ade mentioned that since Cloud became fertile, it was a hard task controlling the aggression between the two. I could only take Sky out now; I didn’t mind being left with my favourite of the two.
Saturday, November 23rd, was much like most other Saturdays. Wake up, scroll through Instagram, drag myself up for a quick shower, meditate, make myself breakfast, setup my FPL team at the very last minute and tune into the premier league games. I had plans to shoot a video the next day, so I decided to head over to the market to get some items. I went over to Ade’s apartment, two knocks on the door to alert him and then I went ahead to put the leash on Sky to get him ready to accompany me. I was never too comfortable with the state of the leash, but I brushed that off as we had managed many times before.
I arrived at a market that had just closed for the day. Disappointed, I took Sky for a walkaround the block. He always had people calling out to him, trying to pet him and he would take the chance to sniff them like he was carefully committing every scent to memory. Not too long on the walk back home, his leash comes off. He paused and sat still while I briskly put it back on. I walked over to the nearest vulcaniser and asked for a screwdriver or something I could use to insert a whole and tighten the grip on the leash. I couldn’t find any, so I decided I’d be more careful with him until we got home. There’s this long stretch of road under construction that is free of moving cars, so we crossed over to it and I released Sky from the leash so we could have a run. I’d never felt more alive and when I looked over to Sky, tongue flying in the wind, he looked alive and free.
At 10:30 PM, the walk was wholesome. I was listening to Common talk about his new book, “And Then We Rise.” The popular rapper was a featured guest on a podcast with Dr Rheeda Walker as the host. The traffic was building, and the honking of cars was starting to startle Sky. We had almost made it home when the leash came off, and this time he did not sit still. He walked up ahead and looked at me while I anxiously called out to him. I took a step towards him and then he did the most unexpected thing. He started to run backwards into the incoming traffic.
SKY! SKY! SKY!
Sky was literally running into the light in the dark of the night. I was running after him and before I could catch up, a car, trying to beat the traffic, swerved into view, and there was sky in a head on collision with the blinding headlights of this car. By the time the car skidded to a stop, Sky’s snow-white fur was raining down on me. He was laying on the tarred road motionless when I got to him. I carefully picked him up almost dazed at the fact that his skull was not littered all over the sidewalk. He was alive somehow, one leg broken in multiple places, but very much alive. I carried him home screaming FUCK the entire way back. How could I have been so complacent as to let this happen?
I knocked on Ade’s door, he and his wife opened to see the tragic state of their dog. They were so frustrated, concerned that Sky may not make it through the night, and I could feel the guilt pulling me into the abyss — into inexistence. Ade calls the first Vet who picks up saying that the clinic was closed for the day. He calls the next vet, and they advised to give Sky some water and keep him till the next morning. I volunteered to do this, somehow thinking that I could project my will into him staying alive.
I let Sky lay beside a couch that had no memory of his last visit when he mistook it for a toilet seat. I took a shower, hoping I could wash off some of the guilt away. I got out of the shower, looked to be sure Sky was still there and sure enough, he raised his head looking at me. He looked so sad, or maybe I was staring at my own sadness through his pitch-black pupils. I laid on the couch next to him smoothing over his fur to comfort him. I could only imagine the pain he was in even though he did not show it, too busy licking his wounds.
Sunday, November 24th, I awoke to Ade’s phone call. It was time to go to the vet, he said. I looked over at Sky, he looked back at me, and I whispered; “thank you.” We got to the vet, and he gave Sky a couple of injections to keep him sedated. He recommended keeping Sky in his cage for the rest of the day and taking him to the hospital the next day for an X-ray scan to determine the extent of the damage. He had mentioned that Sky would likely need surgery which could cost close to a million in NGN. It was a lot of money but at least there was the hope that he could pull through. The sedatives seemed to have met a match with Sky as he would not sleep.
Monday, November 25th, Sky gets an X-ray scan that revealed multiple fractures on his left-front leg. The doctor then stated that recovery would involve an out-of-state surgery and a 6-week aftercare with costs ranging up to two million. He then revealed that there had been some complications to his chest…
Afternoon, November 25, Sky takes his last breath. He was in so much pain at the time and the risk of expending so much money without the certainty of a full recovery was much too much on Ade. It was the most logical decision that frankly, I’m not sure I would have been able to make. I was clouded with emotion; guilt gave way to sadness; sadness gave way to anger; anger gave way to self-loathing.
Two weeks ago, I had a friend who lost her dog to canine parvovirus. All I wanted to do was comfort her, so she doesn’t go through it alone. In my case, however, all I wanted to do was self-isolate and beat myself up. Why is it so much easier to show compassion to others than it is to show compassion to oneself? This was the question posed on the podcast I was listening to as I took the same walk today that Sky and I took on the 23rd. Just before I got to the same spot where I had picked an injured Sky up, a road-side seller recognised me from the many walks prior and asked; “where is your dog?” I saw myself stop for a second, taken aback by the abruptness of the question and my inability to muster up a response. I ignored her. I cut the podcast off, I’d had enough of psychologist, Dr Kristen Neff talk about her ground-breaking research on self-compassion. No amount of self-compassion could take me back to November the 23rd, back to Sky and I running at top speed, back to Sky’s conspicuous joy when his feet remembered the rest of the road home.
Attachment Theory: Feldman, R. (2012) — Oxytocin and the neurochemical basis of social bonding. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 13(9), 593–605
Jay Jay
